disappointment

Yup, I decided to try writing a blog again. I would like to post a disclaimer that if this blog ever offends you… don’t read it. My intention is not to offend but maybe to get something off my chest. Maybe to express a point of view. Today’s topic is a touchy one but one that has been bothering me all week.

Alcohol.

I have a long family history with it. And maybe some inner demons with it. I am not sure before this weekend I didn’t think I had a problem. But now I do.

Growing up I had a good family. Mom, Dad, 4 girls. Life was normal. When I was 11 my dad left. (I say this not to hurt anyone but just as a matter of record.) It was a terrible day in my life. That same day my mom tried to commit suicide. So lets just say in 41 years I have never had a worse day. But after that my entire life changed. My dad starting drinking brown liquor with ice. I had no idea what it was actually. But I knew a drank a lot. My mom she started drinking too. At the time it was gin and tonic. Now it is wine. What I learned is that people change when they drink. Their personality changes. Their entire life changes. Where my mom went from taking care of us girls to “going dancing” and drinking. I don’t blame her she was in a tough spot. I think she just wanted someone to take care of her. While we just wanted someone to take care of us.

Fast forward.

I marry Kevin. He is a great guy. A genuinely great father. He would like most dads do anything for his kids. But after about 5 years of marriage he started drinking out of control. We had about 10 years of in my opinion beer running our life. I am sure that Kevin may see it differently but that is certainly how I felt. Sometimes he was good and sometimes he was angry when drinking. He was always suicidal. I began about 2 years ago to worry about our marriage and how could we possibly enjoy this wonderful retirement we had worked hard to make possible in the future if we didn’t even like being in the same room. All that changed when Kevin stopped drinking on Easter. It only took about 4 days for the old Kevin to come back. The guy I loved. The one I look forward to retiring with now. I am soo happy for him.

Me.

I have never had a drinking problem as in I drink too frequently. But sometimes like with everyone else… alcohol changes me. I think it really goes in to the mood I am in at the time I start drinking. And the problem is one drink turns into 7 for me. And I never realize that it is time to stop. I get super obnoxious.

Last weekend at book club… I drank too much. I insulted everyone. I was mean. I regret that. I was in a mood that day. I was kind of upset about something I hadn’t talked to anyone about yet and I think that had an effect. I am not making excuses at all. I am only trying to figure out why I got out of control.

So I want to apologize to everyone at book club and everyone who in the past I have had troubles with because of my drinking. I am going to make a real attempt at not drinking. If Kev can do it… so can I.

Hopefully future blog posts will be a little less heavy. I have lots of topics on my list to cover. I even like to write poems that I plan to post here as well. So like I said feel free to follow my blog but please these are my feelings and my feelings alone. Don’t take offense or try to go on the offensive with me. Thank you in advance.
Smooches!!!

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