I love you…
Everyday I realize
What a beautiful family we have
I look around
There is nothing there
Nothing to be jealous of
No one loves like we love
No one trusts like we trust
No one cares like we care
I can count on you
Count on you to be there
For me
For him
For her
For us
I have no complaints
None
I trust you
No doubts
No fears
Just love.
For that I
Thank you!
This poem was written at least two years ago. At the time I was having a hard time in my marriage. So it was written out of the pain of that and a dream. The prelude to the poem was written at the time as well.
Last night I had a dream and in that dream I wrote a poem. It was a spectacular poem. I knew I should have gotten up right then and wrote it down but I was tired. I remember some of it. Here is what I remember. Just bear in mind… I wish I was a good poet. I am trying. Going out on a limb to do something I enjoy but maybe no one else likes. But it is all good for me.
The raft
How did I get here?
All alone.
Isolated.
In this raft floating in the middle of the sea.
I thought I was on a cruise ship
Surrounded by people that I love
People that love me
Yet, here I am
Companionless
Alone and drifting
It is a big raft
There is plenty of food
Plenty of water
I am taken care of
Hum… that feels good
But still… alone?
Wait… I see a light up ahead
Is that you?
With your hand outstretched
To pull me in?
To save me from being alone?
I see the light in your eyes.
I see your warm smile.
I am not going to be alone for long.
Wait… where are you going?
Why would you leave me here?
Come back!
My cries fall on deaf ears
Maybe he wasn’t there after all
Maybe I imagined his warm smile
Maybe I need to see him
Inside I am crying out to be with him again
But here I am… alone on my raft
Not hungry
Not cold
Well taken care of.
Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
Revelation 3:20 “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.”
P.S. My marriage is in a much better place now!!
I had another dream last night
A dream of deception and hate
I am the bad guy
Maybe because I have had
So much trouble letting go
Forgiving and Forgetting
That is a fairy tale for us
Because you can only forgive so many times before you soul
Remembers
It remembers the scars
The pain and the betrayal
It remembers the torture
The tears and the fear
Your name
Your face
Your voice
It doesn’t take much I feel my blood boil
A heat from within
I have heard it said that
You can’t hate what you have never loved
That is a bitter pill
Mostly because it is true
We were close
We were best of friends
We grew up doing everything together
I am not sure where it turned
I have an idea
Funny thing is
You would have a completely
Different story
We are worlds apart but in
Some ways we are stuck here together
For the last 5 years
We have been playing nice
Making others happy
Seeing each other on holidays
Family events
Faking a smile
I am done now
I am letting go
I am letting go of you
Letting go of us
Moving on to find a new peace
I don’t need to make anyone else happy
I have a beautiful family
And I have my faith
It is time to let go
So… goodbye
Goodbye drama
Goodbye hatred
I forgive… but I am moving on
Happiness was picking a name for that beautiful baby growing inside me. I do believe a name is a very important thing for a child. You can curse them with a lifetime of shame if you give them a bad one.
Proverbs 22:1 says “A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.”
My father whom I look up to and admire, his name is Donald Roger. However our last name is Downs and Donald Downs really sounds too similar to Donald Duck. So we choose to use Roger. Kevin picked his middle name. So we ended up with a Roger Douglas. We call him Doug, or bug for short. My bug… what an amazing story this boy has.
When Doug was just 11 months old he became a big brother. He was an amazing big brother. Luckily he walked already and was always trying to play with his little sister. Even when she would be in her crib (which was in the living room) he would climb up on the couch and look down into her crib and laugh. It was so beautiful to watch the two of them grow up. Holding hands, taking care of each other. I was proud. It was almost too much. When Doug was in preschool, Madelyn got kicked out. The teacher told me this was a time for Doug to make friends and all he did was take care of Maddy. When she had to wash her hands, he would dry them for her. When it was snack time, he would throw away her trash for her. If she was scared, he was there. Always. I call that a good big brother, but I see the teachers point.
Doug actually didn’t talk until he was 3 years old. Everyone kept telling me neither did Einstein and when he was ready he would talk. And he did. Complete sentences to start. I just had to be patient.
In early elementary school Doug showed great potential. He was getting 98 and 99 percentile on the standardized tests. He was way above his peers. The problem was we went to a very small school. (kindergarten through senior all in one school). They had no means to help him. They wouldn’t even let him walk across the hall to the next grade math class. The bigger problem was if he was in a 5th grade math level in 2nd grade and they taught him 5th grade math I think they didn’t know what to do the next year. So eventually we went to a bigger school district with means. Doug blossomed! They immediately skipped him 2 grade levels of math and reading.
Doug participated in the Duke Tip talent search and took his ACT at 12 years old. His overall score was a 20 with a 24 in math. He did very well and they invited him to go the next summer to Trinity University in Texas for the summer and take a computer programming class. This was cool! He got to spend his summer living in a college dorm. He did great in the class too. This is when his independence sprouted. Now, I have to say that momma wasn’t so happy about him being away but I knew it was a good thing for him.
When Doug was 8 he was diagnosed with early melanoma cells. He had 3 tries in the office to get clean borders and then had to under go surgery to remove it between his ribs. They removed a section 2in by 4inches in my poor baby boy. Six months later they had to remove his lymph node in his neck. But this is a happy story so we will end this paragraph with the happy news that this was just a small bump in his road.
One night when Doug was like 14 years old and it was approximately 9pm I caught him leaving the house. He was going to work on the school robot project with another student. But this boy was so independent he never realized that he should actually ask before he left the house. Most teenagers ask permission but since he was doing nothing wrong this was foreign to him. He continued to work on the schools FIRST robot all through high school. This year he is a senior and will be the CTO Chief Technical Officer on the team. He is pretty much the lead programmer.
Two years ago Doug took the ACT again at 15 years old. This time he really rocked it! He got a 33. Which is amazing and in science he got a perfect score of 36!! I practically jumped out of me seat when I found this out! I was soo excited for him. Doors are opening up for him like no doors ever opened up for me. He can pretty much go anywhere. I can’t imagine. I believe he is going to Missouri Science and Tech which is a school that specializes in all kinds of engineering.
If it seems like a paint him with a brush of perfection you are right. He is the closest thing to perfection that I could ever have a hand in. I am super proud of him and can’t wait to see where he goes from here. I love you bug!
That picture is Doug and his grandfather Donald Roger on a college visit a couple of months ago.
Yup, I decided to try writing a blog again. I would like to post a disclaimer that if this blog ever offends you… don’t read it. My intention is not to offend but maybe to get something off my chest. Maybe to express a point of view. Today’s topic is a touchy one but one that has been bothering me all week.
Alcohol.
I have a long family history with it. And maybe some inner demons with it. I am not sure before this weekend I didn’t think I had a problem. But now I do.
Growing up I had a good family. Mom, Dad, 4 girls. Life was normal. When I was 11 my dad left. (I say this not to hurt anyone but just as a matter of record.) It was a terrible day in my life. That same day my mom tried to commit suicide. So lets just say in 41 years I have never had a worse day. But after that my entire life changed. My dad starting drinking brown liquor with ice. I had no idea what it was actually. But I knew a drank a lot. My mom she started drinking too. At the time it was gin and tonic. Now it is wine. What I learned is that people change when they drink. Their personality changes. Their entire life changes. Where my mom went from taking care of us girls to “going dancing” and drinking. I don’t blame her she was in a tough spot. I think she just wanted someone to take care of her. While we just wanted someone to take care of us.
Fast forward.
I marry Kevin. He is a great guy. A genuinely great father. He would like most dads do anything for his kids. But after about 5 years of marriage he started drinking out of control. We had about 10 years of in my opinion beer running our life. I am sure that Kevin may see it differently but that is certainly how I felt. Sometimes he was good and sometimes he was angry when drinking. He was always suicidal. I began about 2 years ago to worry about our marriage and how could we possibly enjoy this wonderful retirement we had worked hard to make possible in the future if we didn’t even like being in the same room. All that changed when Kevin stopped drinking on Easter. It only took about 4 days for the old Kevin to come back. The guy I loved. The one I look forward to retiring with now. I am soo happy for him.
Me.
I have never had a drinking problem as in I drink too frequently. But sometimes like with everyone else… alcohol changes me. I think it really goes in to the mood I am in at the time I start drinking. And the problem is one drink turns into 7 for me. And I never realize that it is time to stop. I get super obnoxious.
Last weekend at book club… I drank too much. I insulted everyone. I was mean. I regret that. I was in a mood that day. I was kind of upset about something I hadn’t talked to anyone about yet and I think that had an effect. I am not making excuses at all. I am only trying to figure out why I got out of control.
So I want to apologize to everyone at book club and everyone who in the past I have had troubles with because of my drinking. I am going to make a real attempt at not drinking. If Kev can do it… so can I.
Hopefully future blog posts will be a little less heavy. I have lots of topics on my list to cover. I even like to write poems that I plan to post here as well. So like I said feel free to follow my blog but please these are my feelings and my feelings alone. Don’t take offense or try to go on the offensive with me. Thank you in advance.
Smooches!!!
jessabelltuminelli 